I Dig A Hole You Build A Wall (Another Uncomfortably Personal Post By Gabby)

So last time I posted something I talked about what I dream SSP will be some day, and some of my biggest influences. Today I'm gonna talk about the challenges of being 'me' and the things holding me back from making that dream a reality.

Well, the first thing you'll notice is the massive gap between these posts. It's been since February 6th that I posted that and I'm just now writing this. My main problem really is consistency. It stems from a lot of things; video game addiction (I can remember to do my dailies in Guild Wars 2 every day but not to draw or write), depression, anxiety, lack of talent, lack of motivation and good ole fashioned laziness. There's a lot of things working against me and I'm bad at fighting through them.

The video game addiction is probably the biggest offender, and it stems from a lot of things. I'm depressed so I look for an escape. Games are the best escape for me personally. I enjoy everything about them from the art to sound design to animations to everything else. I play lot's of games and I also pick at all the details I love (and hate) about them. Guild Wars has captured me lately, consuming a LOT of my time in the last couple weeks while I've been sick.

Before it was Warframe, before that Loadout, before that TF2, Skyrim, New Vegas, Fallout 3 and dozens of other games. I get lost in those worlds because I don't want to deal with the real world, which in turn makes the real world worse because I'm not improving any of the things I don't like.

The lack of motivation is fed from that as well. I don't see myself as improving so I don't try to, feeding into my lack of talent. I'll be the first to say I'm not a great artist in any way, it's been months since I've drawn anything and I doubt I've magically gotten better.

The anxiety is really the root of all of it though. I stress that I'm not good enough, that people will hate the things I make, that I'll fail, that I'll disappoint people I care about, that I'll do something or other to fuck something up somewhere and it stays my hand. I stress and my way to get away from that stress is video games, starting the loop all over.

To top it all off I'm just lazy. I don't want to spend the energy doing something else because I just don't feel like it. It's stupid, and in turn makes me more depressed and anxious (and it's probably not helped by the depression, let's be honest) so it's really just this dumb catch twenty-two of things repeating in cycles.

Now that that's out of me I feel a bit better, and a bit more human. I don't know why sharing my innermost thoughts and demons with the void of the internet helps, but I guess it's a pretty good replacement for a therapist or whatever. Anyway, back to trying to get myself to make things. Hopefully more Sky will be up soon as I can speak without coughing again.

one day that wall is gonna fall

Recurring Vs

Trans woman who does stuff all over the internet.